* Making this decision has been a long and painful process, but one I have carefully considered. As such, I hope you will respect my decision and me by refraining from attempting to convince me to change my mind or making any sympathetic comments/calls/emails regarding my decision or my well-being (to me or to Michael). I assure you they will do more harm than good, even those sincerely motivated. I am posting this to publicly for the purpose of being true to myself and for no other purpose.
** Similarly, and more importantly, many of my dearest friends and most loved ones are faithful members of the LDS church. I ask you to please respect them as you write any comments.
Any teenager feels at least a little uncertain about herself, about life and the future, but when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and my sister in poor health, my world seemed to be coming apart. I watched it age my father at rapid speed. I watched, helpless as cancer took the strong and energetic mother I knew and turned her to someone I felt I hardly recognized, and she often didn’t remember us either. The days felt long and unbearable, yet time seemed so short. It was all happening before I could process it. I would imagine people that lose their house in a fire feel much the same way. I felt like I was standing out on the front lawn, with only what I had on my body at the time, watching my home swallowed in billowing flames.
At
some point, someone saw my need for help and offered what they could to a young
girl standing in the cold – A large, wool sweater and a seat inside, out of the
cold. I graciously accepted. I threw it on. It itched a little and seemed
awkward on my small frame, but it kept me warm and it was a pretty color.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
The
next day, others made fun of my oversized sweater. It wasn’t in fashion and it
was obviously second-hand. I didn’t mind not being popular or trendy. I was
barely hanging on, so being at school in anything at all was enough for me. I
eventually grew attached to it and started buying skirts, shoes and accessories
to match it. I felt a bit odd when people commented on the sweater because it
wasn’t really mine. I grew into it bit as time went on, but I still had to pull
it away from my neck whenever it started to itch. I found ways to adapt, like
wearing a shirt underneath to protect my skin or washing it with extra fabric
softener.
I
heard about a beautiful mountain town far away. Always one for an adventure, I
decided to go see it for myself. It seemed like the perfect place to put my
sweater to good use. The weather was really cold, so bulky sweaters were
common. In fact, they were in style and anyone who didn’t have one stuck out. I
climbed the mountains and loved the spectacular views. I had never seen
anything like it, and the uphill climb was worth the summit-scape. But, I
became aware of the fact that the sweater wasn’t warm enough for the frigid
temperatures, especially for my thin Georgia blood and the altitude often made
me sick. Still, I loved the view.
As I travelled more, I recognized that there are other equally beautiful
mountain ranges.
I
was often tired after climbing mountains. Sometimes, I liked that the sweater
was so big because I could wrap around myself and snuggle in for a nap. Soon,
however, the sweater started to fade. I took it to the dry cleaner, after all,
that is the supreme source of clean clothes and the tag says, “dry clean only.”
Not only did that not help, but also when I picked it up, there was a gigantic
hole right on the sleeve. I really hate dry cleaning. Some people love it and
see it as a marker of being a full-fledged adult. They look forward to it all
their lives, but not me. I think it is expensive and impractical. I tried to
mend the hole myself, but failed. I wasn’t a skilled seamstress. I decided to
just roll up the sleeves to hide it.
Yet,
it no longer matched my favorite pairs of pants, sweatpants or shorts, and I
found myself struggling to find anything to wear with it. It was still a bit
chilly though, so I wore it anyway.
I
felt self-conscious about my mismatched wardrobe, but couldn’t bring myself to
throw it out. It was the only sweater I had and it had helped me through so
many winters. I had worn it the first day I met my husband and on our first
date. He loved that sweater. How could I throw out something so sentimental? It
was more complicated too though. I began to worry. What if he wanted me to make
sweaters for our future kids? It doesn’t seem right to make a little kid wear
wool – It is really itchy. Besides, we
both had long arms and in interest in running fast, so we knew we couldn’t buy
our kids’ sweaters from any old store. They would need a special fabric. I
don’t know how to knit, nor do I want to. We decided to cross that bridge when
we get to it, and we moved to California, where the weather is always warm to
bide our time.
Finally,
I realized that sweater of mine had been washed so many times that it was now
way too small on me. My arms and stomach were now exposed and it looked
ridiculous on me. It just didn’t fit. The poor sizing and the itchiness no
longer seemed worth the warmth. The sleeves were tattered from wear and stained
with tears. It sat in the back of my closet for a few years. I cleaned out the
closet and would look at it from time to time.
Eventually,
the temperatures rose, and I would find myself drenched in sweat whenever I
wore the sweater. It became my own personal hell. I looked around and realized
that some people prefer to wear windbreakers or parkas or cardigans or rain
jackets or layers. Some people live in tropical climates and have no use for
outerwear at all. Some people love big, wooly sweaters. And that is all okay. I
discovered that layering felt more adaptable and much more natural to me. I
remembered that I am more of a layering kind of girl, just like my parents had
taught me. I decided I will not wear not wear anything that makes me so
uncomfortable, and I won’t ask anyone else to either. I decided to toss out the
sweater for good. I belong at the beach anyway.
________________________________________________________
This
is how I feel about my experience in the LDS church. I feel it was much like an
itchy, wooly donated sweater that I wore through harsh winters as a child, but
it no longer fits. I am grateful for the warmth it provided me. I met some
really wonderful people. I had deep conversations with people and was inspired
to stretch and think in new ways. I believe it kept me out of other bad
situations where I might have gotten mixed up in drugs or other dangerous
behaviors. I do not think it was the only way to keep warm, but it was an
effective one, for the time being.
Ten
years later, I realize that the sweater doesn’t fit me anymore. It doesn’t fit
my personality, my values or my beliefs. I hit a growth spurt, and when I
matured more fully, I realized who I am, and more often who I am not. I am
retiring the sweater with no hard feelings. I hope to move on taking only fond
memories, lessons learned, a solid education, plenty of friends who climbed
mountains with me, a wonderful husband and a strong set of lungs.
In
my mind, I often go back to that cold night on my old front lawn. I wish I had
done things differently. I had run out of the house just like I had been
taught, but I left my baby sister inside. She survived, of course, but she had
inhaled a lot of the smoke. She is smart and strong, but I wish I had run in
after her. I sometimes wish I would have sat in the grass with my family and
used the ambulance blankets and oxygen masks to get through the shock together,
instead of following (relative) strangers and the whims of my bereft teenage
self. I don’t think the recovery would have been as quick, however.
The
truth is, I don’t know how my life would have turned out, and there is no use
in rewriting history. I can’t go back. We don’t even own that house anymore,
someone else lives there, and I don’t need anything to burn down in order to
start over anyway. I made it out alive. I miss my mother desperately, but I am
closer with every other family member now. New ones have come along too! I have
learned more about myself and about humans. I have loved and hated. I have
travelled the world and I have left my heart in many places. I both gained and
lost so much, but I now know what matters most to me. I know who am, who I am
not, and who I want to become. I am better equipped this time around, and I am
grateful for that.
I
don’t like definitive statements because life changes, so I will not say that I
will never return. But, as things currently exist, I feel the LDS church and I
have irreconcilable differences, and it no longer brings me any joy or comfort.
I do believe it brings those things to others, but that is not the case for me.
******Following my post from yesterday, I would like to clarify a few things:******
******Following my post from yesterday, I would like to clarify a few things:******
·
WHY DID I DECIDE TO ANNOUNCE SOMETHING SO
PERSONAL SO PUBLICLY? As I mentioned, I have lived in many places. My friends
and acquaintances are very spread out and this was the best way I could think
of to reach everyone. Additionally, I know this will be a very difficult thing
for many to hear. I wanted the chance to tell people myself instead of allowing
it to be gossip. I also lack the emotional stamina to have the “Wait, but I
thought you were Mormon…” conversation repeatedly and/or in public. I express
myself best through writing and I wanted to do that and move back to life as
smoothly as possible. I wanted to get this all over with in one push rather
than rehash it over various occasions. I understand it might not have been the
most ideal way to handle it, but it is what I believed would work best for me.
In the end, I decided the benefits outweighed the risks.
·
WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL? I did not make this decision
yesterday; I only chose to announce it yesterday. Michael and I have been
dealing with this issue for years. He has been kind, strong and supportive
throughout it. It has been difficult, but we are on the same team. For those of
you that have not been fortunate enough to meet him, he is wonderful and loving
person. We know we have more struggles in the future, but we love each other
and have decided our marriage is worth the inevitable tears and long nights to
come.
·
I DO NOT VIEW MY TIME IN THE LDS CHURCH AS
MERELY A MISTAKE OR BLEMISH IN MY PAST. Rather, I view it as me taking the scenic route to
figuring out who I am. In fact, in many ways, I don’t think I would be who I am
today. I became a woman on the trail. I know I would not have met Michael under any other circumstances. I
would not have met many of the people who mean the most to me and I would not
have had many of the opportunities that have shaped my life. I likely would not
be as confident in my self as I am today. At times, I do wonder how things
would have been different, but don’t we all? I don’t think it was the wrong
decision, it was just one of a few options.
·
I DO NOT FEEL I WAS DUPED INTO RELIGION. I think
several people in my life, who happened to be Mormon, saw I was going through a
really hard time in my life and they were first to see my need and try to fill
it. They were brave enough to talk to someone about their religion and to reach
out a hand to a very scared girl. I was starving and they offered what they
had. It turns out, I have a peanut allergy I didn’t know about.
·
I AM NOT ATTACKING MORMONS OR MORMONISM. I have
known both intimately. I think this church produces many wonderful, sincere,
hard-working, deeply reflective people. If you have the chance to become
friends with a Mormon, don’t let your fear of the unknown make you miss out on
the opportunity to make some of the most loyal friends you could ever have. I
know many, many Mormons, and the majority of them will be willing to answer any
questions you have openly and honestly, and contrary to popular media, they
will not wrestle you into a baptismal font.
·
THE DISCLAIMER ABOUT COMMENTS. I do want to read your comments; I just
don’t want to see any negativity or attempts to be dissuaded. I was not afraid
of being attacked for my decision. Religion is a touchy subject. I did not want
to be put on the defensive. My intention was not to offend anyone, but I know
that it happens sometimes, especially with such a sensitive subject. Avoiding
any of that was what I was aiming to avoid with my disclaimer.
·
SO, WHAT NOW? I am still figuring that out and
trying to find a balance.